Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
