I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
