Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
