He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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