you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
