There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
