Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
