it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
