it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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