i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
