those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
