The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
