my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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