isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
