I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
