They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
