just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
