I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
