i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
