You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
