Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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