I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
