I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
