Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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