is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
