Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize