I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
