I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
