I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
