How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
