God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I didn't notice because vodka
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
