i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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