Where are you?
In a non slutty way
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize