Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
There r osticjed everywhere
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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