If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
