Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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