guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
