i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
