I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
