If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
This toilet bowl is my home.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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