Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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