if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
