someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
