Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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