I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
