i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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