Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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