dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
