You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
