If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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