i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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