I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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