Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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