My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
