dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
