So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
