time to smoke my breakfast
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
