just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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