I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
