last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
