there's paper in my vomit.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
