I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
