Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There's always time for handjobs
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
